I'm in shock... I havent seen that number since my senior year of high school. My lowest in the past 3 years was 130, which was surplanted by 129 a few weeks ago, which is now surplanted by 128.2.

How? I have been dancing 12 hours a week, which really isn't a whole lot. Dance involves a lot of stretching and frequent pauses to learn movement material, plus lecture time. This gives me a lot of hope for my winter break. So long as I exercise every day I should be able to lose another 5 pounds easily during break. Its helpful that boyfriend has finally decided that we should try to save our money by not eating out as much. That means I can eat less calorific foods while saving money. Hooray!

My numbers started creeping up a little bit recently due to stress and lack of sleep. I was eating to stay awake and to suppress my stress. Which in reality stressed me more because when I gain instead of losing weight I feel bad about myself.

Which led me to restart my food diaries/chronicles. I've never had a problem with them being honest, but I did run into trouble when I started pre-planning my food for the day (especially for dinner). That's when I had binge eating problems 2 years ago. This time around Im planning for three meals a day, each of them being 200-300 calories. In addition, another 200-300 calories are set aside for liquid consumption (powerade, mostly). Water is free, of course. Im wondering if I should even keep track of my powerade consumption numbers, considering my most successful stint was created without keeping track of juice intake (only soda etc). Keeping track of the liquid consumption doesnt make me drink less powerade, and I usually drink it conservatively anyway...

I'm definitely pleased its working. I just wish the process would go faster... I think it will when I go on winter break. More sleep + more exercise + only 3 meals a day and no snacks to keep me awake in class = a leaner, lighter me. Plus more dance and visiting family (which means hiking) during break.

On a personal note, boyfriend is going out of town for the weekend. I know he wanted to go but it makes me sad that anything he considers fun or exciting in his life doesnt include me (mountain bike riding, etc). That's fucked up. It hurts me that he does that. Im not sure he really knows that. I won't say anything until a day or so after he gets back though so he will go and have a good time. I want that for him. His tendency to do that is my biggest insecurity in our relationship. It makes me feel as if i don't belong in the life he wants to lead. That Im temporary and I'll be thrown out with the trash when his situation gets better and his finances are more secure. Again, I doubt that's the case but considering I judge my self worth with the fitness of my body, I'm particularly vulnerable to insecurities like that. If I consider myself to be virtually worthless, its hard to accept that other people might not feel the same way about me, especially my boyfriend. We've both brought up the subject of marriage. When I spend time with him its amazing, but when we're apart I feel like Im a place holder in his life. Maybe its because Im always busy in school and at work plus homework, but he only has a morning job 5 days a week. Im definitely under more stress than him, which generates disconnect between us.

I think this is why I need xanga. Its basically a personal diary for me. I can write faster on it, but it may be deleted (which isnt so great). Its a place to reestablish sanity, even when Im in my darkest moments. No doubt thats why I wrote most profusely on here when I was in the deepest darkest hole of depression, suicidal, and strongly EDnos (anorexic for 20 hours of the day, binge eater for the remaining 4).

But, wow. 128.2. Im becoming normal again. When I reach 124 I'll be in the same range as my mom. At 118 the same weight as my 1st year at the best dance studio environment I've ever encountered. And way off in the distance, 113, the lowest weight I've ever had at my current height and (similar) muscular build. But im closer... only 15 pounds away, as opposed to the 24 pounds away as I was earlier this year. 15, instead of the 22 pounds away I was in August (it now being November).

Rahrah to being skinnie!

soooo I decided that October would be a month of progress/change. I really really want to dip below 130. I want to lose the "muffin top" I developed in college.

I've already made a good step in the right direction: I've been eating salads for lunch at school. Also, I've pretty much given up caffeine except for the occasional indulgence. Setbacks/things I want to change: no snacks, and definitely no alcohol since I bloat up like a fiend with alcohol. IE last friday i was 130, but then my well-meaning but sometimes detrimental boyfriend brought home a case of assorted mike's hard lemonade. I didnt want to hurt his feelings, and i kind of like being a little buzzed every now and then... but I cant wait until its gone. Or better yet I'll stop drinking it, with tomorrow being my last one or few. which will screw up my four-week plan first weigh-in, but oh well.

dinner I cant really change because i always eat with boyfriend but i can change my portion sizes, which I have been doing. Its why Ive been floating at 130 lbs but never lower for some time now. Or if I do drop lower Im sure Ive always managed to push it right back up.

So my plan? 1) eat out my food stash (oatmeal, quesidillas (aka tortillas and cheese), fruit/veggies, some other random things) 2) exercise more

Exercise makes me feel good, and it helps me lose the most weight (and keep it off). when I slack, I gain. Now, I've been dancing at school 10 hours a week, but dance includes a lot of flexibility and technique so it isnt hardcore movement 100% of the class, especially when we stop for mini lectures and etc (if you have ever taken a formal dance class you know what Im talking about). But I have little pockets of time available in my schedule that I could be utilizing. Not to mention the fact that I only work out mon-thurs, leaving 3 perfectly fine days of the week devoid of exercise. I could go to my school gym (gas money!) but I have two good workout dvds at home and a potentially good abs one I just ordered online. I could definitely use those to my advantage.

I think a good balance would be to add cardio sessions at my school gym on mon/wed during my free time... I still want to allow time to eat at a proper time after my workout - necessarily leaving enough time for me to digest and rest some before my second dance class on that day. I'm thinking an hour would be good... I'm not sure if i want to stick to elliptical or if i want to try either/both the treadmill and the indoor track. I suck at running because I get asthma (sucks to my assmar!) only when I run and it causes my postnasal drip to impede my breathing. Also, I have shin splits and oftentimes painful knee and hip joints (mostly from all the years forcing my turnout and trying desperately to increase my turnout). With elliptical the only problem really is it hurts the cartilage in my ankles a bit. So probably start off with the elliptical and gradually add in actual running. IE 60 min E, then 45 min E and 15 min running, and probably progress from there.

On friday, sat, and sun i want to do my videos. Hm... friday is quickie everything with jillian plus abs video, sat is everything ala jackie, and sunday is another quickie everything with the abs video. I dont know how long the abs sessions are on the new video yet, so i might divide them between the two days instead of doing everything at once.

Sleep is actually a weak point for me. i plan my birth control pill at midnight so i dont forget. that, and its the only time i get to spend with boyfriend with school and work.

The only sucky thing is that I need to take care of a lot of school business on Mon so I wont be working out quite yet. plus i need to make a personal trainer evaluation apptmt with the school gym and another one with the doctor for pill refills... hopefully this time with more estrogen due to one minor yet entirely important problem i have with the pill i take now.

Want to be thinner soooo badly. Holidays are coming up, I have a car now so i want to visit some of my old dance teachers, take class at new/different studios, practice some gymnastics. Feel content with myself. boyfriend's friend will visit when he gets home from afghanistan for a couple of weeks.

Things to look forward to: being thin, getting more piercings, going to dance conventions next year, graduating with my BA this spring, student teaching next spring, finishing school (for now) at the end of next spring, boyfriend's best friend moving back to CA next spring, boyfriend and i getting our own place with his best friend next spring, maybe doing some dance auditions next spring.

Weigh-in at 132.4. So Im in my medium spectrum. Not a bad place to start for this. The only thing is that the pre-vacation part will be more dissapointing than the post vacation because post vacation there wont be a "sanity break" and I can keep losing instead of bouncing back right into my old habits etc.

Intake: 1/2 subway sandwich, iced tea, handful of candy, soda, grilled cheese sandwich, juice, water

Im trying to eliminate all soda and caffeinated beverages (ahem caffeine and sugar). Just eliminating those and eating three moderately sized meals a day will help me drop weight like a champ. The only thing different about today was that boyfriend and i spent the whole day out of the house, went to the movies, shopping... came home to do laundry and he made grilled cheese sandwiches for both of us.